Never Argue With a Starving, Pissed-Off Alien Predator!
A short story of an alien intern who misspoke and now has to fight for his life. Will he save his skin by finding Earth in time?
When the interview with Xsidiouses ended, words were spoken, and fates were sealed. Will the alien interns survive the night?
This is a short story about what happened on Xsidiouses Mobious (spaceship) after he was a guest on our show. Please read the interview before consuming this story for context.
The Hunt for Earth
After the interview, Xsidious and his crew were scrambling to salvage what could be salvaged. They have been trying to pinpoint the location of the host and his planet during the transmission but ran into a range of difficulties and deceptions.
“Tell me we have them!” Xsidious demanded of his Prime Tracer, Snifelous.
“They cut us off too soon, Xsidious. We don’t have the exact location,” he replied.
“Morons! I went through all that for nothing?!”
“With all due respect, you and your Radical Transparency caused them to terminate transmission just before we could get a final lock on their signal,” a lowly navigator barked when no one asked him.
“It was nice knowing you, you fool!” joked a fellow lowly navigator, sealing their fate. Xsidious was hungry and enraged and had already picked his next meal.
“Don’t mind the young idiots, Xsidious. They don’t know the importance of your journey. they’re too young to know philosophy.” Snifelous said.
“Yes. They do not. They will not,” Xsidious said and then fell into silence with a victorious stare at both lowly navigators. A stare they felt in their bones. “So, we have nothing!?”
“Not nothing. We have narrowed it down to the galaxy and general direction.” Snifelous answered.
“How narrow?” Xsidious inquired, indicating little patience for further disappointment.
“I’m sure we’ll have no problems finding them once we’re near enough,” Snifelous replied.
“For your sake, I hope you’re right. Notify the other pods. Send them the data. The hunt begins! The hunt for Mike’s people is on. We leave as soon as the engines cycle up. Wait for no one,” Xsidious commanded and left the command center.
“Do you think he’s mad at us,” the first lowly navigator asked the other.
“You think?! Why did you have to open your ugly snout, you fucking asshole?” the other asked the first.
“It was true. Xsidious fucked up. Why did he agree to an interview if he’s on his little journey of Radical Transparency in the first place? Only a moron would do such a thing,” the first lowly navigator explained.
Garth (the first lowly navigator) and Bart (the second lowly navigator), the two idiots, approached Snifelous, and Garth asked, “Did I screw up?”
Snifelous replied, “What do you think?”
“Fuck! How can I make it right? How can I fix this?” he asked.
“You don’t. Xsidious is not the forgiving kind.”
Garth offered a suggestion, “What if we work hard on finding the exact location of the planet Michelous? Would he forgive us then?”
“It’s not called Planet Michelous, you idiot,” Bart corrected him.
“That is not how I would spend my last night alive,” Snifelous replied, cold as ice, and walked away. There was no point discussing things further. He now has to find another lowly navigator to fill the vacancy. What an inconvenience, he thought.
“Fuck! I’m dead.”
“No shit. You think?!”
“Should I fight him? Hunt him first? What should I do?” Garth asked.
“You can, but it won’t do you any good. This is Xsidious we’re talking about. You don’t stand a chance.”
“I am a fierce warrior!” Garth barked. “I can take him!”
“You are a moron with a long mouth. A dead moron,” Bart replied. “Stay away from me tonight. I don’t want your blood all over me,” Bart said and walked away.
Garth was left on his own to complete his fate. He knew Xsidious would hunt him. That much was certain. But could he defeat him? Could he kill him first? Should he try to work on tracing Michelous's planet instead and prey for forgiveness?
He worked tirelessly on the calculations and refining the trace, scouring different wavelengths to find some other indications of where Michelous was hiding. He tried everything he could think of and had practically given up. They covered their tracks well.
About ready to plan his death by initiating the hunt, thus regaining his honor, he heard a tinny trace, more an echo of a faraway signal. Playing with the instruments, he managed to enhance the transmission. It was another episode of Interdimensional Talks. He was beside himself with joy. The odds of finding such a random signal in the vastness of the Universe and the multitude of parallel Universes were essentially zero! It was as if fates themselves had given him another shot.
Since that broadcast wasn’t as diligently protected and misdirected, hidden under layers of bouncing signals, he could quickly compare the data from both shows and find a match. He knew exactly how to find Earth! Salvation was upon him and damnation upon our lovely planet. We were about to be put on the menu! This month's special delicacy: “Earthlings.”
Survive!
Garth ran as fast as he could to tell his superior, Snifelous, the good news. It was best if he carried the news to Xsidious. The chances of Garth's survival increase exponentially the further away from Xsidious he is. But Snifelous was nowhere to be found. He was usually either in the Navigation Center, the Mating Room, or his private quarters. This time, it was as if he had vanished into thin air. Perhaps he, too, was hiding from Xsidious’s wrath.
Searching the Mating Room, Garth had remembered Snifelous’s words about how he wouldn’t spend his last moments working and thought this was what Snifelous had in mind. It wasn’t bad advice, but Garth was glad he didn’t listen. One night of passion and fornication sounded great, but he now had the key to his salvation - the location of a fresh new planet, brimming with life, their new feeding grounds. He will not die on this day. Instead, he will be celebrated and elevated in rank for finding Michelous’s homeworld.
After relentlessly searching the entire ship, Garth had lost track of time. It was feeding time! That would explain why he can’t find anyone. They’re all either hiding or hunting. The evening hunt on Mobious had already begun, and he was very much exposed. If their species sweated, he would now be sweating like a pig about to be slaughtered.
In that moment of realization, he found himself on the other side of the ship. It was a long, perilous journey to the safety of his room. He would usually survive these night hunts by locking himself in his room and barricading the doors well ahead of time. He was relatively scrawny for his kind and had to make up for it in wits. Tonight, hiding wasn’t an option. He would have to fight his way to safety, find Snifelous, and deliver his message of salvation. That’s if Xsidious doesn’t find him first. The problem is, everybody knew that when Xsidious has you on his radar, you will not make it until the morning shift. No one ever has. The man was a legend. Garths time was running out.
Garth heard a commotion from his right. Footsteps approached in his direction. It was now or never. No one traversed these halls at night unless they were the ones hunting for prey or had a death wish. Garth wanted to live so badly. He was still young and hadn’t even produced his first offspring yet.
He began to run away from the sound of coming trouble toward the safety of his room. The news of his discovery will have to wait. Survival first, glory later! He ran as quietly as he could but still had to run. Time was running out. Every once in a while, he would stop and listen for signs of trouble from any direction. When the coast was clear, he would proceed.
After a few minutes of panicked running, he carelessly jumped down the shaft to a lower level. He failed to check where he would land and was solely focused on the hunter he was convinced had caught his scent and was now chasing him. Garth believed he would confuse him by switching levels. He was wrong. His pursuer was waiting for him, tracking from below the whole time. Garth fell into a trap!
As he jumped to the lover deck, he was shocked to find Bart standing now towering over him.
“Bart? What the fuck are you doing here?” Garth asked. “We need to go! They’re coming! It’s not safe.”
“You’re right. It’s not safe. For you,” Bart replied with a coldness that could only mean one thing. He was in hunter mode. This was no longer Garth’s friend standing before him but a hungry predator, and Garth was prey.
“Fuck you, Bart! Snap out of it, and help me reach safety. We stand more chances together.”
“I haven’t eaten in so long. I’m sorry. The pain is just too much. I can’t stand it anymore. It’s like I’m being eaten from within,” Bart explained, seemingly convincing himself that it was okay to eat his friend.
“Listen to me, Bart! I found it! I found the guy's homeworld. I know where it is!”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“I found Michelous’s planet! We’re going to be okay. We’ll get there soon enough, and then this nightmare will end. You have to trust me, Bart! Come on. Help me get to safety. We stand a better chance if we work together,” Garth practically begged for his life.
“Who else knows this location?”
“No one. Just me! If you kill me, it’s fucking lost. You’ll never find it without me!”
“I can dig up your logs and figure it out myself. I’m sorry, Garth. This is how it has to be. Survival of the strongest. I’m so fucking hungry!” Bart said and jumped on top of Garth.
Garth held him at arm's length with everything he had, “I deleted the logs. I wiped it all clean,” he tried explaining.
“Liar! You’re just trying to get out of this. It won’t work. You’re dead anyway. It might as well be me,” Bart was undeterred. “You understand? Right?”
“Fuck you!” Garth tried to fight him off, but Bart was stronger and feral from the hunt! Bart bit his shoulder and tore off a chunk of meat like it was nothing! Garth screamed in pain and pushed Bart away. As he jumped up, he noticed they weren’t alone in that corridor. Another hunter was watching them, drooling on the floor, ready to pick off the fight's winner.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake! Not you, too?” Garth asked as he saw Snifelous readying to pounce.
“I found their planet! I know where Michelous’s people live! I can get us there. If you all just stop fucking hunting me for a minute…” Garth never finished his sentence when Snifelous jumped and knocked him down. He was convinced it was all over when Bart jumped on Snifelous, and they rolled away, fighting, cutting, and biting each other like feral dogs fighting over scraps.
When the hunt begins, there are no ranks on this ship. Everyone is either the hunter or the prey. A survivor, or food. No hard feelings, no judgment, and no punishment. Anything goes when the hunt begins. Mobious is reduced to one big killing field, covered in blood and guts, that all get cleaned up by morning. Licked to the very last drop of blood! Hunger is a terrible thing. What would be years between meals in our time can make even the most timid of species bloodthirsty.
As Bart and Snifelous fought, tearing each other apart, Garth managed to escape. They weren’t after him. They were just starving. One will feast tonight, and the other will be the feast. It is the way of their culture. It has enabled them to survive for so long, being a space-fearing predator species. Garth had no problem with that. He was just no good at it.
Bart ran like the wind, feeling incredibly lucky to have escaped with his life and only a few bite marks to show for it. Every few corners, someone was being brutally murdered and eaten alive, but he didn’t let that distract him. As long as it wasn’t him that was being eaten, he had one mission. Get to his room, lock the door, and barricade himself until the morning bell rings for the hunt to end. One goal, one mission, nothing was going to stop him!
And nothing did. Most hunters had found their prey by the time he neared the living courters. Each other, most likely as the ones who could bear their hunger a little longer, were staying hidden out of sight. Until starvation kicked in, and they became the hunters themselves. There was blood everywhere, and he slipped a few times, running through the hallways.
Finally, his room was now in sight! Garth was nearly there. A few more moments of terror, and he would be safe. He slid towards the doors and unlocked them in one brisk move, locking the doors behind him the moment he crossed. He moved his bed across the room and barricaded the doors. No one was coming in tonight! He was finally safe. He felt the sweet sensation of relief overflowing him.
It’s almost over
Now, all he had to do was wait until morning and deliver the news to Snifelous if he survived the night or perhaps even Xsidious himself. He should be safe during the day shift. The worst was over, or so he thought. Tomorrow, I will show them my findings, and we’ll be feasting on humans in no time. That should last us a long time. No more night hunts, no more nightmares, Garth thought to himself. No more loser Garth, but hero of his people. He did it. This was his time, at long last!
“I will feast! I will mate! I will…” he caught himself affirming out loud when Xsidious interrupted his train of thought.
“You will die!” Xsidious declared as he dropped from the ceiling and jumped on Garth, holding his arms so he couldn’t move an inch. Xsidious broke his legs and arms before laying on top of him with his full weight. This was his signature move. He ensured no one ever escaped his hunt, and no one ever has.
“No! What the fuck? No, no, no! This can’t be happening. I was safe. It was over,” Garth muttered in the confusion and shock.
“In the spirit of Radical Transparency, I have been waiting for you all evening and all night,” Xsidious replied calmly and with cold determination. “You’ve kept me waiting for far too long!”
“Wait Xsidious! Just wait a minute. Let me explain,” Garth begged for his life.
“Your fate was sealed with that comment. It’s nothing personal. I’m not angry. Just famished!”
“Not angry? But, you’re going to fucking eat me!” Garth yelled while trying to create some space between them.
“One has nothing to do with the other. I was going to eat someone today, anyway. You simply made it easier for me to choose,” Xsidious explained. “I thank you for that.”
“No, no, no! You don’t understand! I did it. I did it!” Garth pleaded.
Xsidious closed his distance, and Garth could smell his foul breath, as Xsidious was now dripping saliva on his face. It stank of decay and death. Xsidious bit off a chunk of Garth's face slowly and meticulously. He was savoring this moment. It has been long since he’s eaten. Garth couldn’t do anything about it. He was pinned down by overwhelming force. All he could do was scream.
“I found them! I found him!” Garth yelled out and tried to fight off Xsidious without success.
“And I found you,” Xsidious replied. “Your death will be honorable, but it will be slow, and it will be painful. It is the way.”
“Fuck you, Xsidious! I found your Michelous! I know where they are! Get off me, and I’ll explain…” Garth shouted as Xsidious tore another part of him and chewed it, staring him dead in the eyes. There was no remorse, no emotions, no nothing. Just a beast, being a beast, and prey being a prey.
“Aaaaaa! That hurts. Please, Xsidious, I’m begging you,” Garth howled, spitting blood.
“Don’t. Preserve your dignity, and die with honor. There is nothing you can say that will save you,” Xsidious replied.
“But I have found their planet. I’m the only one who knows how to find them! I deleted the logs, and you will never find Michelous or his people without me!” Garth threatened desperately.
Xsidious bit off his hand and continued chewing it without a moment of pause, still staring at Garth, unmoved by his threats.
“Are you not hearing me? Aaaa! Fuck, that hurts! I found them. We can finally feed.”
“I’m afraid you will never feed again, Garth.”
“Screw you! Let me go. I can save us all,” Garth continued.
“You? The great savior of our species. Hm,” Xsidious commended and took another chunk of Garth's flesh into his mouth. Garth was now gurgling blood. He could barely speak. It was mostly just screams silenced by blood. Screams that were like music to Xsidious’s ears.
“Wait. Wait just a moment. I can…”
“You were saying something about my Radical Transparency journey? Didn’t think so,” Xsidious cut him off, then removed half of Garth's arm and chewed it like it was his favorite thing in the world.
“Gulb, blob, fuc, yu!” Garth blurted, with his mouth full of blood.
“I had your station monitored. I have the coordinates of Michelous’s planet. Good work. Unfortunately, you won’t be alive to enjoy the spoils.”
“Glab, blob!”
“Neither will I,” Xsidious continued. “They’re too far. It will take generations to reach them, even at top speed. We can’t make that journey without a few stops along the way. All of this, was for nothing. I have failed us. But, no matter, we’ll find someone else. I feel better already. You see, Garth. Radical Transparency is good for the soul. You were wrong, and now you die. Thank you for your service and your meat. I will savor it until the last piece,” Xsidious concluded and, robbing Garth of all hope, proceeded to end his life.
THE END
If you missed the original Interdimensional Talks interview with Xsidious, make up for that grave mistake by reading it now!
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